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This year’s Eurovision is looking like it will be a spectacular array of over the top, over dramatized and highly political performances. Yippee!

In a surprising turn of events, I actually like a good majority of the songs this year. Narrowing down my favourites was particularly difficult. I’m already listening to most of them in my everyday life and, believe me, I am just as shocked as you are!

So, in order to judge them from worst to best, I conducted vigorous testing over the past week. These tests have been based on how much emotion the song brought out in me, how much it made me want to dance and how much my cat liked it. All critically important criteria to meet.

Here, in my completely expert opinion, are the best worst songs of this year’s Eurovision song contest!

    1. Sweden – I Can’t Go On – Robin Bengtsson

We all know that Sweden will never have an entry as great as Abba or Loreen. However, this song is exactly what I want a Eurovision song to be; kind of dumb, a bit kitschy, sung by a good-looking guy and, most importantly, it makes me want to dance. This song was originally going to be on my WTF list but I had an epiphany and realised that this is actually a jam. I gave it a 9/10 on the dance-ability scale, which means it makes me want to dance almost as much as Dancing Lasha Tumabai (Ukraine 2007 entry). That’s a HIGH praise coming from me! Also, ‘Freaking beautiful’ is an A+ phrase and is now a part of my vocabulary.

  1. Switzerland – Apollo – Timebelle

 

Switzerland, the home of my bae, Federer, and this amazing song. Bless the Swiss for delivering on the goods. This song will be such a great summer jam for those of you in the Northern hemisphere (although that’s not stopping me from adding it to my winter playlist). My cat liked it a lot too.

  1. Australia – Isaiah – Don’t Come Easy

 

Before you say anything, I know that I’m not allowed to vote for my own country! However, this song is great. I am blown away by Isaiah’s vocals and I cannot believe that he is only 17! Crazy, talented, young man! This song is an excellent addition to Australia’s Eurovision playlist! A solid 8.5/10!

    1. Portugal – Amar Pelos Dois – Salvador Sobral

Beautiful, just beautiful. I don’t even need to say anything more about this song. It speaks for itself. It got a 15/10 on the emotion scale.

  1. Bulgaria – Beautiful Mess – Kristian Kostov

 

This song has been stuck in my head ever since I heard it. It is beautiful and moving but also makes me want to dance. If I had heard this outside of the context of Eurovision I would feel no differently about it. Australia, 12 votes to Bulgaria this year please!

Of course, this would not be a Eurovision list if it didn’t have at least one ‘WTF’ song on it. I cannot take the following one seriously.

  1. Montenegro – Space – Slavko Kalezic

 

I simultaneously love and hate this song for how much it makes me cringe (probably makes it the best song of the year). It is indeed my number 1 worst song but you bet it’s going to be on my playlist for every party I ever have for the rest of my life. I apologize in advanced to all of my friends. How can you go wrong with a song that has the following lines in it?:

  • Wet dreams, wild nightmares, I surrender
  • We can be as one in the sin
  • I have my suit on, no need to worry
  • In space we can be as one

The answer is, you can’t. You can’t go wrong with a song with those lyrics.

As much as I liked a lot of the songs this year, I am disappointed over how seriously I liked them. We need to bring back Eurovision to the good old days of Irish puppets and dancing Russian Grandmas! Too many of them were genuine songs that could make it onto the radio. Contestants, please sprinkle a bit more kitsch on your songs next year!

Don’t forget to watch and vote in the Grand Final this Mother’s Day at 5am on SBS! You could also watch the repeat at 7.30pm but what’s the fun in that! Get some Eurovision spirit!

**UPDATE – Australia has been put through to the Grand Final!

Article by Jackie Jeanette

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